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Posted on 2017.10.11 at 00:53
i'm sad. i don't like living here.
i am bummed i got rejected from ebabz but i refuse to put my stuff online. i pulled up an article about ebabz in the east bay express that was talking about how it was for underground artists. hmm. and the only people linked in it were my friends, and it wasn't even to real websites but just like, some store that sold one issue of some obscure zine or whatever.
so i was thinking i want to start a new zine fest that doesn't have this kind of criteria, but i don't want to do it by myself, and i can't think of anyone who would want to do it with me, really. because it's hard to get people to do things these days. i started thinking about how i used to put on shows and workshops and all these events, and so many people would come, and it would always go really well and be exciting. i'm doing my practicum for school now and no one can make it to my classes. like zero people.
it just makes me really sad.
i miss when people did stuff.
and sometimes i think that no one cares about me here or thinks i'm cool or is my friend. but honestly i don't think that's it. i think we're all just spread too thin, mostly doing shit we don't even want to do.


Posted on 2017.10.07 at 00:29
my cat

Posted on 2017.10.06 at 23:36
hey, ya know..
i am okay. and i don't hate myself.
i have bad memories. i think about people who've hurt me more than i want to. i focus on the hurting even though there was other things. maybe it will always be like that.
but i am okay. i feel pretty good these days. i like who i am.
i get a lot of anxiety about how i'm gonna say something wrong or bad, or i look crappy, or whatever, but at the end of the day i am okay. people who care about me will ask me what i mean if i say something that sounds bad, right?
i deserve really great things! i am doing good.
and i have made all the right decisions so far, i swear.

dneska dělám české lekce na ten vegan punx kavárna jím do často a nemluvim do kdokoliv tam. chci říct něco kdyz mám dost slova, ale ja jsem plachý. to je dobry, nemluvit. chci moct mluvit česky v dáma s můj air bnb taky, ale ona mluvila anglicky už když jdu tam tak nemůžu. možná zitra, když potkavam se xvx punx ja búdu zůstat se. ale nemožna. oni mluví anglicky taky. no.. musím jit do google translate moc moct můžem ze ale tady to je, ta-da! ucím se!
today i did czech lessons at the vegan punx cafe i go to often and never speak to anyone there. i want to say something when i have enough words, but i am shy. it's okay, not speaking. i want to be able to speak czech with the lady at my air bnb also, but she spoke english already when i got here so i can't. maybe tomorrow, when i meet with xvx punx i'm to stay with. but maybe not. they speak english too. well.. i have to go to google translate too much to be able to write that but here it is, ta-da! i'm learning.

Posted on 2017.06.19 at 09:34
i bought an instax last night.
i'm stoked, i'm gonna travel with it and make color mini zines with photos and writing.

Posted on 2017.06.14 at 17:27
when i got back from my trip, our power was unplugged. we have been getting our electricity from next door since i asked them if i could hook it up. by "them" i guess i mean my one friend who lives there. i have checked in with her a couple times since then to see if her house needed anything from us or if we could chip in on the bill, and every time she's said no. she's out of town right now though.

when i got back, i plugged the cord back in. i called my lotmate first to ask them if anyone had said anything to them, and they said no. so i figured maybe it was unintentional.

this afternoon it was unplugged again.

i don't have anyone's number over there except my friend who's outta town. so i guess i'll just wait in case i see someone and ask them about it. i'm not gonna plug it back in again.

but wondering about things like this freaks me out. i hate when people do things like this but don't say anything about it, and i'm panicking thinking that i pissed them off or something, but i have no idea what happened. i'm having some trauma come up from that house i lived at where people always said everything was cool when i asked about stuff, but they became more and more mean to me until i moved out.

shit, just say something.

blessed lot

Posted on 2017.06.14 at 07:09
holy shit, the tree fell!

i can't believe it! it's not even windy! and the tree is healthy as hell. guess it just got too heavy. this is only the back half of the tree. the front half is still standing.

but wow, look how lucky we are that the base of it fell between m's trailer and my shack. very miniscule damage to our homes.

does anyone have a chainsaw?


Posted on 2017.05.09 at 09:03
i didn't get accepted into bay area queer zine fest!
i guess this is a good blow to my ego haha.

friend blessings

Posted on 2017.05.08 at 00:54
the time i sent out an email telling everyone i was more depressed than i had been since i was a teen and damien sent me a letter that had all these smooshed flowers in it

the time i was stuck in baton rouge with antoine and nope and contemplating staying at the shelter and io drove from houston to come get us and then take us to his house in houston

the time i got bit in the eye by an ant in some train yard and rybree sewed me an eye patch out of her wool scarf that i could put over my swollen-shut eye while we hitch hiked

(i'm going to add to this.)

Posted on 2017.05.05 at 19:19
i'm kind of the queen of moving on. sometimes i don't want to. sometimes i want to wallow and feel the blood from my heart drip just to be sure. that's part of moving on. sometimes i think there's only one thing to do that can be good--i'm standing in a room full of doors to so many places; a door back, a door to pgh, a door to the desert, a door to hell, a door to the moon (jk themoonlandingwasfaked)--and i have to pick the one right thing. i'm a wise ancient capricorn crone and i wonder where my intuition is. all i get is a panicked heart, a loss of appetite and tired eyes. maybe that's close enough. they tell me i can't stay here. maybe i can come back later but, from this sickness, i can't know. all doors lead to newness and growth. there is no right thing.

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