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Posted on 2016.12.21 at 17:35
ugh i don't know what to do. i'm having relationship problems. me and nicole have never fought like this and today it's the worst. i am trying to build this shack to live in and it's for me, it's my project. i did a lot of work getting a big truck and a trashed trailer off the lot (though nicole did help me a little, and so did mattias a lot) and cleared a space. i really wanted to find a trailer or something on CL that i wouldn't have to put a lot of work into because i wanted something soon and also i don't really like construction projects all that much. but nicole was determined to go get me this chicken coop, and it's been really daunting thinking about puttingn it together. i told her i might not use it but i felt kind of obligated to. she went to this place and tore it down for me.

so i finally started contruction a few days ago and she had been helping me. things have been kind of tense between us and i think it has to do with the fire and how we are having a hard time in our lives and a lot of grief. we're both really sensitive. but she keeps being really micromanagey and over explainey about the shack and how to build it and it really feels disrespectful. this is something i mentioned to her. up until today we haven't been working on the actual shack but the foundation and floor, which were all from materials i bought. today i was ready to put up some walls and she said she could only stop by for a second, so i asked her to please come at the beginning and show me what the deal was with the walls she took down: which pieces to piece together. she came over with some different screws than the ones i like and said those ones are better and i should use them on the floor instead of the ones i like, and i should space them 2" apart, and i kinda gave her a look. and she was like "what?" and i said "please just tell me about the chicken coop, that's what i want to know about."

so she started telling me but i was still kinda hurt and acting dismissive. she left. later, i called her, because i needed to know if she knew that one of the short walls was 7' and one was 6'11". and i asked her if she got the exterior wall plywood from them all or if she left some behind or what. and where it was, how to know the difference between the walls and the roof. this is really challenging to do without her, i feel like she has so much power over me because she tore this thing down. i don't know what it looked like before. there are pieces missing. i'm trying to piece together a puzzle of exterior wall.. i tried for an hour today and i did not find a single piece that fit anywhere actually. it's really frustrating.

anyway when i called her to ask about the walls she said "i don't know if i want to answer your questions because you were dismissive of me." but eventually she did. but now i'm not going to this solstice party with her i was going to go to tonight, we're taking space. she said all this shit about how me being mean to her is not okay. which, it's not. but her treating me like i need everything explained to me and i have to do everything her way isn't okay either. when i say. "i'd rather use these screws, i like how they don't splinter the wood," she'll like roll her eyes and say "ooookay." it sucks. but because i respond to it the problem is about me and not what provoked my response. a few days ago she told me that it was fucked up for me to tell her why i respond, because i'm making it about her doing something wrong and saying my response was acceptable. now it's the opposite. i can't tell her how i'm hurt, why i got upset. i did though. i apologized a couple times. i said i was upset because she was giving me unwarranted advice.

she said she's not gonna help with the shack anymore. it's so hard without her because none of this shit fits together, the wood is splitting everywhere. it's not that i need building advice but maybe that she knows about how it's supposed to fit together. like why it's shorter in some places. but she said i could ask her questions.

so i texted and asked her if she knew about this one piece where i was trying to fit plywood. i sent her a picture. i asked her, "do you remember anything weird like this? look, i wouldn't even be able to attach it on this side." i did not ask her "what should i do to attach a piece of plywood here?" but she said, "no i don't remember that. you could just add another 2x4 and attach it to that." of course i could. i was just asking, like, how the hell was there one there before? maybe there wasn't. was there a hole? that's what i was asking. even after she knew i was upset because she gave me unwarranted advice, she gave me more. another time too.

and now she doesn't want to talk to me because i'm mean and that's unacceptable to her.

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i feel like treating me like i don't know what i'm doing is just as rude as me being dismissive! (dismissiveness is how she described my action, and then said "being mean to me is unacceptable.")

also i'm fucking disabled, my fingers are so swollen right now and i have a weird lump behind my knee and i'm in a lot of pain. i feel abandoned as hell in this building project that is what nicole wanted me to do. the chicken coop is not even big enough for me. i'm going to build an addition as soon as i'm done and i'm not looking forward to that.

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