(no subject)

abby has been recovering from a foxtail in her eye for over two weeks. tomorrow i'll take her to the vet for the third time. i really like that there is a vet here in this tiny rural town, and they are really sweet. i kind of want to live here forever! even if i leave the farrrm, haha. it's a very nice town.
we live in a field full of foxtail grasses. i'm really worried that this is going to keep happening to her. i guess if she's recovering all summer with an e-collar and has to stay inside then she won't get hurt by any more. but it gets really hot in my trailer and next weekend it's supposed to be 113. i go out of town sometimes and i'm worried about leaving her here with my housemates. i should trust them more but i also think i'm asking a lot and they have other things to do than take care of abby. i don't know.

she once told me that she is immortal though so i shouldn't worry.

(no subject)

me and my cat, miss abigail long, have lived in the countryside for all of four days, and we are happy here and we don't miss anything about oakland! so far.

(no subject)

i can';t believe it's only 10:28pm

i miss 98.1 kiss fm. the breeze is not even that good, i like some of the music they playy but i'm really annoyed by the DJs, ,they are too sweet and romantic and i'm just trying to drive by myself to taco bell covered in trash. anyway this new 80s station now, 103.7. they play too much buttrock, i don't want to hear that. all those guys' voices. hyeeaaaah. i want to hear new wave and i want to hear funk too. also kiss fm sometimes played 90s r&b and like new jack swing and stuff. it wasn't only 80s.

mikey called them both "the madonna station" and madonna just came on so okay,/.

i'll be alone, dancing, you know it baby.

since it has become official that i am leaving the bay area in a couple months, something i have felt ready to do for lack of a better option for years (all the while implementing the worse options,) i am feeling sad about it. imagine that. sad about leaving somewhere i have been living for my entire adult life, for over 13 years. though my relationship with the bay is complicated, there has been so much goodness and growth during that time. it's sad when places change, and it's sad to leave them even if they're not nice to you like they once were.

what have you been up to?
i'm learning spanish and czech; i'm co-organizing a zine fest; i'm taking probiotics because i have not been able to avoid sugar; i'm sleeping in a lot, i'm chronically ill; i'm listening to the 80s music station on the radio.

(no subject)

i'm sad. i don't like living here.
i am bummed i got rejected from ebabz but i refuse to put my stuff online. i pulled up an article about ebabz in the east bay express that was talking about how it was for underground artists. hmm. and the only people linked in it were my friends, and it wasn't even to real websites but just like, some store that sold one issue of some obscure zine or whatever.
so i was thinking i want to start a new zine fest that doesn't have this kind of criteria, but i don't want to do it by myself, and i can't think of anyone who would want to do it with me, really. because it's hard to get people to do things these days. i started thinking about how i used to put on shows and workshops and all these events, and so many people would come, and it would always go really well and be exciting. i'm doing my practicum for school now and no one can make it to my classes. like zero people.
it just makes me really sad.
i miss when people did stuff.
and sometimes i think that no one cares about me here or thinks i'm cool or is my friend. but honestly i don't think that's it. i think we're all just spread too thin, mostly doing shit we don't even want to do.

(no subject)

hey, ya know..
i am okay. and i don't hate myself.
i have bad memories. i think about people who've hurt me more than i want to. i focus on the hurting even though there was other things. maybe it will always be like that.
but i am okay. i feel pretty good these days. i like who i am.
i get a lot of anxiety about how i'm gonna say something wrong or bad, or i look crappy, or whatever, but at the end of the day i am okay. people who care about me will ask me what i mean if i say something that sounds bad, right?
i deserve really great things! i am doing good.
and i have made all the right decisions so far, i swear.